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Rant | Rant Archive
08.01.2008
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02.19.2008
Pick Your Pony
I swear… I have not avoided my writing on purpose. I think most writers will tell you that the craft requires a certain rhythm in your lifestyle in order to be effective, and a comfortable, creative setting. My rhythms have been broken, but my
01.27.2008
Open Water
It feels weird to not be writing about my Dad right now… it just seems like it would be inappropriate to forgo that for some reason. I, however, am not quite ready to dig into it. That seems to be a trend this past week I suppose, me doing wha
01.05.2008
If You Ever Want To Make God Laugh...
"If you ever want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."
I'm pretty sure that's a Woody Allen line, but I keep hearing it in my Dad's voice. It came up in conversation the Wednesday before Christmas, as I was telling him how I inte
12.25.2007
The Lions Sleep Tonight
I could never have settled the Old West. There's just no way. 2000 miles from the east side of Texas to Los Angeles was hard enough, and I had a car instead of a wagon. Covering the distance isn't that big of a deal really, as I travel all the time&h
12.03.2007
The St. Louis Blues
It hit me very suddenly today for some reason. For such a normally optimistic person, I was completely taken aback by the immediate onset of what I can only describe as sadness. I was sitting in the St. Louis airport, looking for wi-fi service, an
11.27.2007
Burn the Ships
In 1519 Hernan Cortez landed a fleet of eleven ships in Veracruz, Mexico. How he conquered the Aztec Empire is a story I remember learning a long time ago. There are a lot of different aspects to the story that intrigue me… how he overthrew
11.24.2007
The Last Few Days (Part 3)
November 20, 2007 - 9:07 pm Addis Ababa, Ethiopia
We landed in the capitol of Ethiopia at 10:00 am, after a few days in Djibouti. We only made one real excursion into the streets of the latter while we were there. Expensive restaurants and a few nic
11.17.2007
The Last Few Days (Part 2)
November 16, 2007 - 2:14pm Bahrain
The Arab world is completely different. For once, I'm the one being stared at in the smoking room. Every pair of eyes glued on me, either because I'm white and American, or because my bracelet and my necklace have
11.16.2007
The Last Few Days (Part 1)
I apologize in advance for the choppiness of this entry. I'm attempting to capture as much of the trip in writing as I can, in the rare instances I get a chance to sit in front of my laptop. Here's a glimpse into the last few days.&n
11.01.2007
For the Birds
There is a girl in my life that I haven't figured out yet. It started out casually enough… she belonged to somebody else, and I was content to remain intrigued from a distance. Then somehow I ended up with her. She screams a lot, she's a picky
10.28.2007
It Gets Better Every Time
I've decided that I may need a cabin in the middle of 1000 acres in some state with lots of empty room to spare. I really enjoy the solitude… With that said, while I really enjoy being out of the spotlight, my mind is too restless to let me co
10.07.2007
All Good Things
Where do I even start? I think that I look less forward to what I'm about to write than I ever have before… It's like watching a child die - your child - right in front of your eyes, regardless of what you tried to do to save it.
And somehow
10.01.2007
The Monsters Beneath Our Beds
"Transformation and growth occur in the space between the point where we think we cannot go any further, and how much further we actually do go after that."
One of my best friends sent me that quote the other day. It's one of tho
09.28.2007
Crooked HALO
Some nights I can’t sleep. Most nights actually. I’m somewhat used to taking midnight motorcycle rides down dark roads in an attempt to step out of my environment long enough to get tired. Not that riding is some sort of tiring exercise
09.10.2007
The Center of Attention
The center.
There's something to it. It keeps coming up in conversation amongst a few of my friends, and I keep getting asked to define it. Maybe it's because it seems to be the core of the advice some people give… "Find your center.&quo
09.04.2007
I'm Batman
I haven’t decided on this guy yet. I think he’s real.
Let me explain. It’s a game I play with crazy people. I’m like a divining rod for the clinically insane… and since they flock to wherever I happen to be, I try to
08.29.2007
You Do Know She’s @$%^& One?
I don’t remember my 1st birthday, but apparently it was a pretty big deal. I was an only child at the time, and my parents spent a stupid amount of money on a cake that supposedly, Melanie, the girl down the street, stuck her fingers in befor
08.24.2007
Restless Mind Syndrome
I need a diversion.
Don't get me wrong… life kinda rocks right now. I would put my day to day life up against anyone when it comes to being free to do what you want to do. I get up early because I want to… and not for any other reason.
08.22.2007
Rationally Speaking
I apparently hit a nerve with my last Rant… "It's like being scared of rational women. You shouldn't be afraid of something you have no chance of coming in contact with."
I've since been painted the cynic through comments and
08.20.2007
It Spreads
I just walked into the coffee shop in the hopes that I could hammer out something new before I went to the club tonight. I love people with dreams. I really do. I just as equally adore people with false senses of self confidence. I pass over my $1.62
08.14.2007
An Empty Cup
It's funny how the smallest thing can bring back a dumb memory. In this case, it was as simple as a Starbucks in Lufkin, TX where I sat a while back watching it rain. It was an incredibly cool day in all actuality... peacefully sitting at t
08.06.2007
Ghosts
Ghosts. Remnants of things in the past. Footprints left in the sands that we’ve walked through that grow shallower and harder to see with every passing day… Sometimes those footprints disappear completely and we still see them simply b
07.29.2007
The Lie of the Beholder
I’m a big believer that perception is reality. The Thomas Theorem says that “things believed to be true are true in their consequences”… What exactly does that mean? It means that if you think something is a certain way, it i
07.17.2007
So This Is What the Back Room Looks Like?
Comics by nature are kinda dicks, especially around other comics. Over the last eight years I have spent many nights in the showroom of the Laff Stop while the open mic went on in the lobby. It's not a show, but it should be… just a bunch of stand
07.03.2007
Exploding Robots
Mother of God…. I want my car to turn into a robot.
Yes, I just saw Transformers. Here lately I’ve been on a slight movie kick, and for the most part every movie that’s come out this year has been one big two-hour bag of suck. T
06.22.2007
Stuff You Didn't Know You Needed
Someone explain to me why I booked an 8:00 am flight? I know me better than that. I knew I would miss it if I had to drive to the airport from Beaumont in the morning, so I chose instead to spend the night in Houston. I didn’t factor in stopp
06.19.2007
Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand
"We sit outside and argue all night long
about a god we've never seen
but never fails to side with me"
I’ve been asked on more than one occasion why I write. My answer is consistently that I do it for me. The readership is me
06.07.2007
Equal Time
It’s tough not to write from anger when you’re angry. Perhaps that’s the wrong word… frustrated may be more apropos. It doesn’t even stem from the topic I’m writing about, though I’m sure it will have an e
06.05.2007
Jump
There is a rock somewhere close to Cape Zanpa on the East China Sea off the coast of Okinawa. My geography may be off as I’ve only visited there once, nevertheless, I remember the rock well. For two straight days this rock was my worst enemy.
05.24.2007
One
It must be the Spring thing. It's the only explanation for why "love" is such a prominent theme in those around me. I've found myself on the giving end of advice more times than I cared to recently, and I find that in itself hysterical. If
05.16.2007
It's Complicated
It's so hard to come up with a topic sometimes. Sitting here like so many other days with my laptop and a big cup of Hawaiian Kona… Damone and cigarettes, and an empty head. I sifted through my Inbox to see what suggestions have been thrown my
05.10.2007
The Coin's Other Side
I have an abnormal attraction to challenge I think. It's probably unhealthy, but it gets me through the days sometimes. So when my buddy Brandon challenged me to "come up with at least 1000 word Rant on reasons relationships do work that is
05.03.2007
The Sea, an Evil Woman, and a Castle on the Mountain
It has been a long time since I have laughed as hard as I did last night. Normally I'm surrounded by comedians, with clever well thought out witticisms and jabs being tossed back and forth in a strategic tete-a-tete. Not last night. Last night was pu
04.24.2007
Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan?
Goddammit. I hate it when this happens. Today has been incredibly uneventful, so I've gotten to sit around all day mindlessly watching TV. I rarely watch TV anymore, but since Time Warner gave me a free upgrade I figured I'd flip through the 374+ mov
04.16.2007
Nappy Headed Ho
I sat down at the coffee shop today because I have a ton of topics I want to tackle, and need the caffeine before I go do my annual three hour Papadeaux's dinner with a friend of mine. I've been on the bike lately since the weather's been perfect, an
04.05.2007
Time and Time Again
A little randomness on my part, brought on by the coffee probably…
Fuck Time. Yes, I said it, Time. I know it's an abstract concept, relative and subject to perception… but also obviously measurable. Still fuck it.
It's a slave driver. I gets
04.03.2007
Guess What? We Still Don't Care...
I just back from Tucson… Three really long days of travel and boredom in the deserts of Arizona. I bear no malice towards the city itself, just the airlines that travel there and the place I had to stay. I think audiences would be amazed
03.30.2007
I'll Find Time...
“Look at it man. This city is fucking dead.”
I know that part. It’s in Dazed & Confused, and I know it well enough to recognize it even though the volume is muted. Instead, Chalk Farm’s “I’m Awake” is playing on iTunes, and the music rattles
03.27.2007
I'd Rather Be the Pope
I don't expect that title to make sense to anyone but a select few of you. I write because it keeps me sane. At least that's my excuse. I'm scared to think what would happen if I didn't, as much stuff as there is rattling through my
03.22.2007
Tickle Me Emo
I want it to go away. More than anything in the world right now, "Emo" needs to go. It's taken me a long time to even figure out what the fuck it is, and now that I know, I want it gone. For those of you unaware, apparentl
03.15.2007
A Moment Captured
There's nothing lonlier than a coffee shop at night. A refuge for those deprived of a social life, and a nauseatingly romantic rest area for young couples in love... Tuscan decor and a mix of Italian pop played just a little too loud over
03.10.2007
And They're Off
I’m on a plane to DC right now… actually Atlanta, but it’ll end up in DC. It’s Spring Break for 5 million idiots, and most of them are on my plane. Who goes to Atlanta for Spring Break? There’s a gay German standing in the aisle fla
02.23.2007
Left Behind
How do I do this without coming across the wrong way? Hypocrisy in life is one of the things that infuriates me more than anything. This has been my argument against organized religion for a while, and the primary reason I don't agree wit
01.28.2007
Texas Country and Piracy
Lemme start off by saying that I have been pushed by several, and by several I mean a stupidly high amount of, emails to step up my Rant production. If you are on my email list you can now get them emailed to you as they come out. I am ho
01.22.2007
War Games
I'm putting my faith back in the children. We’re going
about this all wrong, this thing in
Iraq.
We’ve been there since 2003. We’re tired. We’ve lost loved
ones. We’ve spent a googleplex dollars. And to to
10.15.2006
Go Find Your Midget
Some of you know that I ended my almost eight year relationship a while back. I say "I ended"... What I mean is that "it was ended". Apparently the fact that she and lived together was pissing off her boyfriend... I know a lot of yo
10.10.2006
Get the White House on the Phone
Because I have a game plan... I know North Korea is one ballsy little country. Despite all the warnings from all these different countries, they just keep on thumbing their nose at the rest of the world. I can't say I blame them. Th
10.10.2006
Lemmings
Sometimes I wonder why certain things catch on. We've all done it - stopped to look at something that's hugely popular - and tried to figure out why. We're all sheep led by lemmings led by whatever Pied Piper picked up his flute that day.
09.05.2006
The Second Stinger
Okay. We get it. The Crocodile Hunter is dead. I’ll admit it - I was big fan of Steve Irwin. The guy had balls the size of the bottom part of most snowmen. He was truly entertaining to watch. I think though, that
08.06.2006
Who Are You Again?
Some comics are great social commentators. I‘m not one of them. I’m no Hicks or Pryor. Sometimes though, it’s hard to ignore changing social climates… especially when they happen in your own little microcosm. I attended
07.11.2006
Just Kicking Some Things Around
I was listening to whoever was standing in for Rush Limbaugh the day after the World Cup finals. It was pretty much background noise for me that day, until I heard the guy say that soccer was nowhere near as good of a sport as NASCAR. Hol
07.03.2006
All Lit Up Again
I seem to have become the spokesperson against the new 100% smoking ban here in Beaumont. Unofficially at least… Like many cities in the US, smoking is scheduled to become illegal in 100% of our city starting August 1. I probably n
05.01.2006
If You Dig a Hole Deep Enough...
... You end up on the other side of the world. I realize this entry is long overdue, but here it is anyway. Internet access was hard to come by so I didn’t get to post it live the way I wanted to. Instead you get this… Incheo
04.05.2006
Clan of the Cave Bear
Man oh man oh man oh man… I just got back from a run through Alabama. I’ve played a lot of gigs in the South, and I guess I sometimes forget just how detrimental the results of inbreeding can be. It’s no wonder we lost the war… &nbs
02.06.2006
Wayside Drive (or Kick Wesley)
It was just brought to my attention that the house I grew up in was more or less smashed by Hurricane Rita. I haven't been by there to see it yet, but hearing about it brought back a flood of memories. Those memories in turn, have reminde
01.05.2006
Gone
I think I tend to write more when I’m on an airplane because I have to. As I write this, I’m sitting next to an armrest hog in an Izod shirt and if I weren’t writing with this pen, I’d probably stab him in the neck with it. Now he’s tryin
12.14.2005
Merry #$%&!*% Christmas Part 2
I’ve done it again. I’ve waited until the last possible minute to do any Christams shopping. I’ve gone white water rafting, rock climbing… I’ve even jumped out of airplanes, and I’m actually scared to venture into the malls. Vast ha
11.14.2005
Bigfoot Tracks 2
I missed my calling I think Don’t get me wrong, I’m a comedian and that’s not gonna change. I really should have gone into Cryptozoology though. I still could. I mean, why shouldn’t I? It seems everyone now knows about
10.06.2005
Aftermath
Rita. I’ve grown to hate that name. It makes me not want to even drink another margarita. All I remember is that on the Wednesday before the storm I laughed and laughed about it. I watched rednecks “grab the chickens and the l
08.30.2005
Not Quite Saved By The Bell
Where should I start this? Dustin Diamond... former child star, formerly
Screech from Saved By The Bell, currently taking up space on what should be a
real comic's stage. I just "middled" for the illustrious Mr. Diamond in
Shrevepor
08.02.2005
Let Them Run With Scissors
Why does the line always seem to blur in favor of the opposition for me? I mean, the line of "personal space" never seems to be violated by anything other than my cigarette smoke..."Sound", however, can apparently dance cross whatever line it please.
07.10.2005
Conspiracy Theory
I think it’s about time for us to do something about our lack of unity. Race relations, terrorism, religious conflicts… trivial reasons behind not-so-trivial amounts of casualties. It’s obvious that we aren’t getting anywhere near solving
07.05.2005
To Whom It May Concern
Dear Mr. Old Guy, How are you? Remember me? The guy you cut off on the access road about fifteen minutes ago. Yeah, I was on the motorcycle. Well, you’re a cocksucker. You didn’t even look over at me after you did
06.20.2005
In A Galaxy Far Far Away...
I finally went to see Star Wars: Episode III, the last installment in a sci-fi drama I first watched when I was a one year old. I'll be honest, I was a complete Star Wars geek as a kid. And like most kids, several Christmases in a row&nbs
05.30.2005
XM Addicted
Holy crap... this is like crack. I just got a Delphi xm2go. This is my first foray into the world of satellite radio as a listener. I can't believe what I've been missing out on! If you know me at all, you know I have a
05.09.2005
Bigfoot Tracks
I really need to write. For my website I mean. I either end up with nothing but written word or stuff for the stage - unfortunately never both. I've honestly been logging on here every day in an attempt to post something... Ever
03.30.2005
Computer Illiterate
I’m… about… to… snap… I need somebody to explain to me why friends of mine – people with perfectly brilliant communication skills in the real world – turn into bumbling simian waterheads when they get in front of a computer. I mean, I don
03.17.2005
Tactless in Seattle
I'm writing this in a little bar called Swannie's above the Comedy Underground in Seattle. This is one of those weeks where I honestly wanted to do anything but travel. In an ideal world I get to spend the weekend in bed watching way too
03.01.2005
Gates of Hell
I think this is hell. Atlanta, Georgia. Terminal B. 2:00 PM. Thirty minutes after I was originally supposed to land in Houston, three hours before I'm now scheduled to take off. Crowd chatter, crying babies, sick kids, a
02.03.2005
State of the Union Address
Good evening my fellow Americans - or in this day and age of internet communication, my fellow Americans, Taiwanese, Australians, Russians, Ugandan, Canadians, Slovaks, French, Germans, Romanians, Japanese, Himalayan, Eskimoan, Siamese, or other. I c
01.09.2005
Our Fragile Earth
I get accused a lot of not caring about the environment. I won't go so far as to say I don't care, but I'll also never be one of those green flag waving environmentalists. For instance, I litter. A lot. I also drive everywhere
01.02.2005
A Look Back
I kinda want to do a retrospective of some of the funnier things I saw this past year. 2004 was good year for humor and I feel like I hardly touched on any of it in my Rants.
Like that guy from Laos. He took out six other hunters. While I do think i
12.22.2004
Google Me
I found this really funny when I was looking over my website's stats for the last few months... Here's a list of some of the things people have searched for that have brought up my site:
kappa sigma wallpapers with a bitch in it
12.19.2004
Merry %$#@&!* Christmas
The most wonderful time of the year... Whoever coined that phrase should be baked in an oven at 450 degrees until golden brown, just like all those holiday desserts everyone looks so forward to. Me? I've become a card carr
12.14.2004
Burning Bridges
I honestly can’t believe how busy I’ve been. As some of you know, I own a little comedy club called Comedy, Texas. For the last year and a half it’s been inside a Hilton hotel that just recently sold to the MCM Elegante. Although th
12.09.2004
Dimebag
Rest in peace my brotha'. Dammit... We have to get our shit together people... -S
11.28.2004
Crowd Control
Feels like forever since my last Rant entry... I think it's my fault for setting the bar too high. If I updated this site once every three months like other performers then you'd think this one was early... In my def
11.12.2004
Mr. Tambourine Man
It's official... if this whole "comedy" thing doesn't work out, I'm moving to LA to be a tambourinist. Is that even a word? I think it's a really overlooked part of a band. Most people think it's easy and that anyone can do it, but
10.30.2004
Ridlin Me This
I’ve been hearing people use terms like ADD and depression and bipolar a lot lately. I’m one of those people that doesn’t really believe in all that stuff. I’m not saying mental disorders are fiction, because there are extreme cases.
10.28.2004
Death of a Tree House
It’s been a while since I posted anything about my neighborhood war zone. Honestly, ever since the “Louisville Slugger” incident, everything’s been really quiet. I guess there’s something about working a car over like Rodney King that ser
10.25.2004
My Week
So I'm sitting here in front of the computer, a scratched up copy of the Red Hot Chili Pepper's "Uplift Mofo Party Plan" in the CD player... For the record, I rarely write these rants on the computer. I write 'em all freehand and then ent
10.18.2004
Abduct This
I think I've always been amazed by the UFO phenomenon. As a matter of fact, the entire "supernatural" subject in general intrigues me. Bigfoot, Loch Ness, the chupacabra, Atlantis, and UFO's - if the Discovery Channel airs a new program o
10.15.2004
No More!
That's it. I'm done with the political correctness. I can take absolutely no more of the pseudo "I-have-to-care-about-some-issue-or-another" bullshit. It's a really bad case of symbolism over substance folks. If you wanna chan
10.17.2004
Young Girls and The Men That Worship Them
I'm supposed to write a rant today. That's normally what I do on Saturdays. I'm on my third cup of coffee right now though and still don't have a clue what this one's about. I got up earlier than I wanted to this morning, which may explai
10.04.2004
October
I can't even begin to explain my fascination with this month. Somehow or another though, October manages to dig its claws into my life - and for good or bad - force drastic changes. My first radio gig started in October. My first ti
09.28.2004
Michael Archangel
I wasn’t gonna do this, but now I feel like I have to, mainly because Sir Psycho just popped up on my Guestbook. If you’ve taken the time to visit the link to Kevin Martin and the Hiwatts on my links page, then you are already familiar with the
09.06.2004
The Day The Music Died
I try to touch on how I feel about the state of music today in my show. For some reason, time constraints always seem to keep me from really getting into it. I remember being on the air at a classic rock station - playing music from artis
09.02.2004
RNC
Wow. What a convention this has turned out to be. I guess the biggest let down so far has been the whole Bush twins appearance. Stand-up comedy is not their strong suit at all. Some would argue that it's not my strong suit eit
08.31.2004
To All The Liberals
Okay. I'm officially soliciting "Rant" topics. Not that I've hit a wall after only three months, I just enjoy the challenge of writing on someone else's subject. If you are looking for an older rant, try the "Rant Archive" clicky-th
08.25.2004
John Kerry
There is such a buzz around the upcoming election - and while I've tried to shy away from politics on my site, I should probably address some of what's going on. Plus, several people have asked why there's no rant on all this John Kerry/Sw
08.18.2004
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