When Pigs Fly

I’m tired. Are you tired? I feel like these last few weeks have been exhausting, and I haven’t even let myself get involved in the fray. No worries though, this is a safe space. For the moment anyway.

My “job” consists of a lot day to day maintenance. Just boring stuff, like editing audio, booking dates, and updating my website, and as I do the latter, I always glance at the webstats. I like seeing what search terms bring people to my page, and while there is plenty of the expected, there are also some odd ones.

My favorite of all time, ever, and this one is not a joke:

What bird does ham come from?

My three year old niece knows where it comes from. You could give a slice of ham to a vegan Eskimo and while he may never have seen a pig in his life, even if you told him it came from a parrot, I would bet a pack of Oreos and whatever Canadian change I have in my backpack that he’d call you a liar.

I am trying to work out how that ended up getting typed in the first place. It’s quite the enigma. The person had to simultaneously be dumb enough to think ham comes from a bird, yet competent enough to work a keyboard and understand Google.

It seems like a very unlikely scenario, yet it’s also indicative of the state of our nation’s youth. Computers? No problem. Just don’t ask you guys about anything in the real world.

My apologies in advance to my millennial readers.  Or, well, not really in advance at all. Actually, very after the fact. Anyway…

There has to be some situation that could account for this.

A Thanksgiving Day prank involving taxidermy maybe?

Regardless of the explanation, that person is real. It may be the girl ringing up your groceries or the man trying to cut in front of you at rush hour. So tread carefully. That person – that sad, sad soul who doesn’t know where ham comes from – is functioning unchecked in the same world as the rest of us.

Remember that if you’re feeling down about things.

Unless you also didn’t know where ham came from, in which case, congratulations! Even you aren’t that dumb anymore! You’re welcome.

Keep your head up, America.

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