False Flag

“It’s a conspiracy! I wasn’t there when it happened and I haven’t been to the place since then, and I haven’t ever been there at all actually, but whatever. But I have read the reports other people posted on Facebook though, as well as this USA Today infographic, and in a logic-defying series of moments, I have escaped the limits of my Southeast Texas high school education and pieced together a cogent theory of my own.”

“Theory? There’s no conspiracy. It’s just one nut job. One bad egg shouldn’t mean we have to outlaw guns. I mean guns don’t kill people, people do! Plus he was in a hotel room! This wouldn’t happen if he hadn’t had access to a hotel room! Should we ban the hotel rooms!”

“I’m just saying, nothing looks right to me. I ran nearly two days worth of limited data through my brain and it tells me there must have been another shooter. You can tell by the patterns of the broken glass. I watch NCIS. And I went to one of those junior detective summer camps when I was twelve.”

“Look at it like this. The shooter that wouldn’t have been able to shoot if he didn’t have fingers! Who gave him the fingers? His parents, that’s who! Baaaaaan parents!”

“Well I’ll agree with you the day someone goes to Las Vegas and beats fifty people to death with one of their parents.”

“Shut your commie mouth! I have a right to own my own arsenal! What kills more people than time? Should we ban clocks and hourglasses and sundials too?”

“Conspiracy! There were at least nine shooters! The government runs these ops so that they can take your guns and control the world easier! New World Order! It’s the Illuminati Freemason Build-a-burgers! Steel doesn’t just melt like that!”

“You have your conspiracies mixed up.”

“Whatever! The kids in that daycare were all crisis actors!”

“Kids? What?”

“False flag! False flag!”

“Okay you’re starting to scare me.”

“They’re in my head, man! They can see what I see.”


“Lizard people!”

“Okay. Look, you don’t own any firearms yourself, do you?”

“Hell yeah I do! Bought them all at a gun show from a dealer named Possum! Tossed in a free grenade launcher and a billion rounds of ammo! You know, for the end times! Why?”

“I can’t wait until the next NRA meeting. We HAVE to talk about how easily some people can get guns. There are some real nuts out here…”



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